Dear Diary:
This is my first entry so this may be long and could be short. I really have no family, no friends and no one that really cares for me. I'm on my own; seems like I have been caged in some kind of place I have no control over, it's been like this for a while now. I'm the little girl you see sitting on the window sill, trying to look through the dirty glass to see some light but at the same time look with such hate towards the world asking, "Why?" I was born into a family that is pretty wealthy, loving, and popular, but somehow I was not included. Your pages I use to poor my tears, heart and soul and occasionally catching drops from my nose are the only things I have that will let me do so. You don't judge me. You are there, forever and always.
1 page finished, 2 pages finished, 3 pages finished and so on and so forth. I can't stop. The wave of words spirals from within me and on to you, like skittles falling from the big beautiful blue sky. My struggles are becoming harder and harder each and every passing day. Dawn strikes then dust falls. Dawn strikes, dust falls again and again, over and over. Nothing grateful happens between dust and dawn, I drowned myself in my own dreams: to have love, to have a love, to be loved and to give love, but most of all I just want someone there for me. Feels like I'm the only one that gets punished for not knowing what to do. I bring you every where and I am grateful I do not hear you tell me, "no!" Right now, you are the one and only thing that I look forward too, that makes me think I have a purpose in life. As I become older I understand a whole lot more then others seem to think, thinking I don't know anything nor feel any type of emotion. But I can't help that I'm quite, shy and bruised in the heart. It is hard to open up to people you know don't love you. I'm beginning to think I'm some worthless yet tasteless piece of gum, just there to be chewed then spat right out on to the ground.
4 pages finished, 5 pages finished, 6 pages finish and so on and so forth. I look in the mirror every day hoping to see some kind of change: a real smile, a nice glow to my hair, a sparkle in my eyes? But looking at "that" makes me cry inside and thinking, "I'm nobody and have no purpose here on earth." Everyday I look out that dirty window wishing someone will clean it for me, so I can see outside of this mess. I want to be embraced and caressed with the loving hands my Mother and Father like new born babies when they are first introduced into the world. I want to be part of the family circle. I wish upon a start every night hoping that maybe someday I can get a hug or some kind of close contact. My fragile existence dissipates like tasty cotton candy on my tongue. But that all started to change when my "sister" (she is someone whom I'm really close to and haven't seen in such a long time) came to visit. It's been about three years since I've seen her. She is someone that I can look up to as a Father, Mother and Sister.
7 pages finished, 8 pages finished, 9 pages finished and so on and so forth. My "Sister" is someone that I look up to for help, like I should with my Mother and Father. Her name is Jen. Each and every second I spent with her, I would grow on every aspect that I needed: love, intelligent, beauty, confidence, what I believed in and most importantly, maturity. She never came out saying, "you are immature" or "that is not the immature way to do it." I was so use to the fact of stepping back and letting things get to me instead of fighting for what I needed or wanted. She taught me how to fix that. She mended that once bruised heart into something that I never knew I could have; a happy, healthy heart. I was always mad at the world for things I didn't have; my family. But there are so many more families in this world that are in far more need of help than I was. Some don't even have family, a home, friends or even someone to look up to for help. I at least had most of those. I never once thought about someone elses needs besides my own. Throughout this journey, I am now able to look out a clean window for the first time to see the outside world. Not only from my Sisters help but mine by realizing there are people that need more help but nobody can hear their cry of terror, fright and somber. I finally know what it is like to feel there pain and had an epiphany that can change my life. I can now move forward and take what I have learned and help others see what I saw.
--P.s
Now that I have broken the wall that I had build, I now have established a relationship that sparked out of now where with my family. We are learning, together, to help eachother and include everyone in everything!
THE END.
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